At the end of August 2013, we decided to move from Gulf Shores, Alabama to Salt Lake City, Utah. By the beginning of September, we were on the other side of the country. Good bye white sandy beaches of paradise! Hello snow cap mountains in the dry desert! It was crazy fast, and quite honestly, a little traumatizing. We had complete faith it was for the right reasons, although I think it took this last year of trials and growing to manifest itself. Below is a complied list of things that really sucked for our family this last year, and why I think it’s okay that it happened.
1. Massive abdominal pain for unknown reasons.
I went through Ruby’s labor pretty happy. Well, happy might be a relative term. Quite frankly I was a little pissed cause all I wanted was a hamburger and they wouldn’t let me eat one. If I ever go through labor again, I am going to rethink the approach of labor. Her actual delivery was a little bit more difficult because my big brained smart baby didn’t like my narrow anti-birthing hips. I can’t say for sure, but I feel like the only thing worse than pushing a human out of you genitals is getting one stuck there. So a year later when I started having unmanageable pain, I found it a little concerning. After seeing many doctors we found one that said “Eh, let’s just do a laparoscopy! We usually find something.” So, drug me up and cut me open! We did it. And you know what they found? 13 major abdominal adhesions. Basically there where massive loads of bubble gum fusing my organs together, so they weren’t all slippy slidy (technical term) like you want your organs to be.
Reason why this sucked: The worlds worst pain. Exploratory surgery….not to mention I HATE surgery.
Reasons why this was okay: We had great health insurance, and found a great doctor. I no longer have pain, and if I have it again, we will know what it is! How awesome is that?
2. Our car is a psychopath.
Have you ever just had someone in your life that just enjoyed making it hard and watching you sweat? That’s our jerk of a car. Our 1998 Buick was particularly fond of just deciding not to start when ever I was supposed to be driving. Occasionally it would give out after my first stop leaving me stranded. Also, a/c? Forget about it. It doesn’t matter we live in a dry dessert of hell fire. I’m also pretty sure the car is haunted because the battery drains. So no heater in the winter, no radio, and you probably want to make sure everything that can be turned off is turned off before you start or stop the car. This means those over head dimming lights need to be off.
Reasons why this sucked: Having a family, a commute, and one car that breaks down all willy nilly for no reason, is a little bit of a panic.
Reasons why this was okay: Auto Zone and a great family. They seriously have to go together. I can’t tell you how often we went to Auto Zone and partook of their extended warrantees, or how often we had to have family rescue us when we were stranded and then take us to Auto Zone.
After the worst hormonal crash from my birth control (I seriously thought I was going insane), and many months of trying and failing at getting pregnant, we found out at the end of September we were pregnant. I also had a nagging feeling it was twins. Going in for our first ultrasound, we found it WAS twins but we had lost one. But it was okay! We we’re still pregnant! We saw a heart beat. The baby was only growing a few days behind and that happens!! Still excited. Still happy. 3 weeks after the first ultrasound I started bleeding. I called the nurse and she said sometimes a little bleeding happens, and I was fine but it still continued. Then the blood became more fresh, and I called the nurse again. She told us to go to the ER where we waited forever. Assuming, still, that sometimes you just bleed and it was going to be okay. I remember the Dr. bringing in the scanner, and me saying “It’s okay, all I need is a heart beat!” Sure she would find one. I watched as she searched. I saw the fetus. I saw no heartbeat where there should have been one. I sat numb as she called in her supervisor. I was broken when they sent me to the intern at the labs, who after spending silent time looking, called his attending who quite literally should go back to school and learn a few more things. When he told me they did everything possible to find a heart beat of any kind and there was none, I couldn’t even cry. Both of my babies were gone. I would leave with empty arms.
The next morning I rolled out of bed to find out that my daughter, who we had assumed had had the flu earlier that week, was running a fever again, and was limping so bad she didn’t want to walk. Finally being done with nurses telling us “it was okay” we managed to get her in to see her doctor. Who wanted blood tests and specialist. After spending most of the night at the ER we spent most of the day with pediatric doctors. Finally, we had some idea. Ruby’s blood tests had come back positive for joint inflammation. She was having an episode of Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I miscarried that night. No one told me it would be like labor.
Two weeks later, I went back to my super awesome amazing doctor to find that I had retained placenta, and had to have a D&C the next day. Then, finally, it was over. From starting to miscarry to the end, it was 6 weeks.
Reasons why this sucked: As a mother you want to protect your children, and I was so helpless. I couldn’t protect any of them.
Reasons why this was okay: After many more tests, trips, and pain killers, we have found out that Ruby had a virus that triggered the arthritis. It was one episode, and it was over. She still has some residual pain, but even that seems to be clearing up.
As for losing my babies, I have great faith that I will see them in the next life. I will get to hold them and my arms won’t be empty. It’s okay because I have religion. I know that the body aborts a fetus that won’t make it so it’s okay because they wont suffer. It’s okay because I can still have babies. Someday, it will be okay when I breathe too. It’s okay that I miss them.
So maybe 2014 was super sucky, but I think it was also super great in many ways too. For every bad thing that has happened, we have been able to over come it. If we hadn’t felt so “picked on” I’m not sure the Lord could have blessed us. We are so blessed. In the LDS faith we have an additional book of scripture called The Book of Mormon, that is much like The Bible in teachings and format. In The Book of Ether chapter 12 verse 27 it reads, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they maybe humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in me. Then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” I can’t think of anything to sum up last year better. I am a warrior. I made it through. I am so much stronger than I was in September 2013.